Dreamscapes and fantasies
Evolve into reality when passion is pursued
The passion turns professional and kills the mood
Finding symmetry, so hard to achieve
Inspiration loves misery, blue skies are turning grey
Let it rain, let it rain...
-- It's odd introducing yourself to a blank diary. A book that is not meant to be read by others, but acts as a person who listens to your inner thoughts. My sister, Riese, purchased this for me as a present. She exclaimed that it would be a way to express myself when she's absent on her bounty hunting trips, since I no longer have my brothers to speak with. I miss them dearly, but she warned that I shouldn't ever go near them again. I can only guess that Kas's disorder had gotten worse ever since the loss of our parents. Out of all four of us, he was the one who it took the biggest toll on. I'm sure Sen is looking out for him though. I don't mean to start off my first entry so depressing, but it does feel nice to vent as if someone were listening.
--Riese has been gone for a few days this time. Who knows what she does on her hunting trips. I bet she uses them as an excuse to chase after men. As long as she doesn't bring them here anymore and comes back safe and sound. Mom always told me I was more well behaved than my sister, despite us being twins. Even though I was praised for this, I was always envious of her charisma.
--Come to find out, dancing like a lunatic with the music blaring around the house is the perfect surprise welcome home present, considering I was the one caught off guard with the surprise.
--I still haven't been able to find work around here, and I am not cut out to be a bounty hunter. Turns out no one wants to hire someone without experience, funny that is. Even with Riese around, I'm still beginning to go stir crazy in this house, and suggesting a job wasn't a bad idea. If I could find one. Sadly I haven't found my calling, nor would I find turning any of my hobbies into work enjoyable. Perhaps I'm not social or trusting enough to be hired, another advantage Riese has over me.
--I was asked today if I was writing in my diary at all. Of course I am, when I feel I have something necessary to write down. Maybe I'm not writing enough, or every night like some others, but when you're repeating the same things over and over again, that's not a good read. I'd like to go back to remember and enjoy what I wrote, not bore myself to death. She said I should be writing about my dreams each morning, but my days are more exciting than my sleep, however uneventful they are.
--Today has been one of those days where everything seemed to go just right. The little things anyway. We spent all day together watching bad movies and reinacting them throughout the house. I never thought I'd make a better super hero than some actors. The livingroom is a mess of popcorn and blankets, considering we needed capes and tents to destroy. It all seems so childish now, but it was fun then. We'll clean it up tomorrow.
--The joke was tossed around today that I should actually find myself a boyfriend. Well, she should too, I don't want her getting hurt after teasing the wrong person and finally settle with someone. I told her this, and our conversation turned into something more sincere. We discussed what love really meant to each of us. Despite her finding fun in teasing others, she seemed pretty serious about her definition. Someone who you anticipate coming home, whom you cannot see your life without, and one you can put your full trust into. That just sounded like family to me, which she then added that was the point. It's someone you want to accept into your life as close as your own family members, to be able to share that bond, and hope to start a family of your own with. I agree with her, but I had to add that it's also this unexplainable feeling of nervousness, compassion, and desire for another that makes them special to you as an individual. Regardless, it felt like a nice bonding moment, until she started picking on me for listing off childhood crushes, but it was all in good fun.
--Riese left again, something about taking on a bounty a few cities away. I hate feeling like a mooch, but at least I've kept the house clean.
--I've been thinking recently, and I admit this lonliness is getting to me. I want to know how my brothers are doing, I want the company of another, but I want to make sure I'm safe. In a way, I want to meet others like Riese, but I don't have the assertiveness to stand up for myself. She may dislike it, but I'm going off to find Kas and Sen, and hopefully be able to reconnect with them. At least I can have them around while she's gone.
--I'm back. Considering I didn't know where my brothers were, that was certainly a quick way of finding them, well, one. Sen actually found me. We talked for a bit, but it was as if we never knew each other before. Maybe losing our parents took more of a toll on him than I realized. It wasn't my choice to leave them though. Still, I let him know how much I missed everyone together as a family. Something more was off about him though. He never mentioned Kas, his own brother, but he rememebred me. I let him know that I wanted to be more like my sister, to meet others but in saftey. Sen said he could help, and took me to someone, I cannot remember their facial features, voice, anything, but I remember making a deal with them, and then my memory became fuzzy after that. The next thing I remember, Riese was leading me home. My head is still hurting, and I can only assume I hit it on something after the deal was made. She never mentioned Sen, so I don't know if she even encountered him. In a way, I don't think I should go back, but I'm sure Sen would understand.
--My headache went away, and it's strange writing in the morning, but I was encouraged to write down my dreams, right? Well last night, my dream was so vivid it was almost real. It wasn't anything special or meaningful, but what I thought up, happened. I could control almost everything. I've heard playing videogames aids in lucid dreaming, so I guess I should find another hobby, even if it was a fun change of pace. But considering such a dream happened after I made that deal, I can only assume they're connected.
--In a way, I wonder if these dreams are what my brothers used to cope with being alone. Either way, I greatly appreciate it. Another night of being able to twist a surreal world, to travel wherever I pleased and talk to others. I'm sure it's all just my imagination, but it's such an exciting change of pace.
--Somehow I've been feeling a lot more tired lately. I'm getting plenty of sleep, so I don't understand. Ever since these dreams started I've been trying to sleep more to experience them, but I end up feeling as if I was never asleep at all. I know I was, I'm aware of when I can contort the world and when I cannot. At least I've told Riese about them, and she's just as fascinated.
--It's becoming more of a habit to write in the mornings now when I awake. Or is it the middle of the night? I'm not certain at the moment, but last night I didn't quite feel like myself. I was talking to someone else, and aware of it, but it contained nothing I could see myself saying. The other didn't seem like the other people I create in my dreams, for his actions, speech, it was all unpredictable. Another enjoyable change since these dreams are only what I can think of. It was like I was talking to another real person.
--I'm sorry for writing so much, but another discovery has been made. I really am sharing dreams with others. I thought of a friend of Riese's, someone I've only met once or twice, and it's hard to believe but.. I seemed to have traveled to their dream? They recognized me and everything. I still cannot believe all of this, but I'll try to continue this to make sure my theory is correct.
--We were pretty busy today. Riese was called by a family member of her friend, the one I was visiting, saying he ended up in the hospital. When we arrived, the doctors could not explain his condition, other than it seemed the very life was drained out of him. It's odd, I was just sharing a dream with him the night before, and everything seemed fine. They said he would make a full recovery if anything, but perhaps I should find another to test my theory on whom is more healthy.
--Riese was in a near panic today. Apparently I've been asleep for a few days while she was gone on another trip. Nothing in the house was changed, no food was gone, and she claimed I hadn't moved. I think she was just fretting over nothing, I know I was awake when she was gone.
--I... I think I caused someone's death today. Another I was testing my dreams on, they ended up with the same symptoms and I heard they went to the hospital, yet passed on from being far beyond help. It.. it was my doing. I may just be predicting those who die, but, the same symptoms of their life being drained? I told Riese about these strange occurances, and that they feel connected, and even she agrees that maybe I'm just predicting those who die, like a sixth sense. She did try and joke around to cheer me up, saying that my name did mean clarity after all, but offered herself up as a test subject. I know this was meant to be a diary, a dream diary at that, but now it's become more of research notes.
--The dream testing was going well, and I was so happy to be sharing such a surreal experience with my own family. One day went by, and Riese said she felt fine. Day two and she was feeling about as tired as I've been, saying just as I have, that she knew she was asleep, but its as if she were aware and awake the entire time. The third night in a row, her fatigue had worsened, and by night four, she was short of breath, and wasn't responding to me. I called an ambulance and she was rushed to the hospital as the other two had. I'm done. I don't want to hurt anyone like this again. Considering all I've been writing about is my dreams, I really need to be doing something else. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to see about starting up a new hobby, and really push myself into getting a job, no matter where it is. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to socialize with others in saftey. It comes at a cost, I see that now... At least I can visit once or twice without many ill effects..
-- It seems this curse has brought upon bad luck as well. I was successfully hired into a job, but just as quickly lost it. Ended up falling asleep from how tired I've been. They let this pass the first time, but the second time was too much, I was sent home, and never contacted for my schedule. I've been able to at least conclude a handful of my symptoms. No matter how much I try to rest, when I 'sleep', I'm constantly aware and dreaming. The only way I am able to get a restful nap is falling asleep in reality, and then in my dream. It sounds so simple, but it's an incredible task. When you're in your own mind, and any of your thoughts are being portrayed in front of you, it's even worse than thinking too much before you fall asleep. Not only that, but I lose track of time, and end up being 'asleep' in the real world for days on end. This is only prevented if I share a dream with someone, and they wake up, but if I share that dream, I could end up hurting them. My dreams are no longer functioning on their own at random, but are instead completely predictable. They've become boring, the only difference being that I can meet others. I can do so in reality.. and I wish I would have realized this earlier, but now there's no reason. I could end up hurting them, be unresponsive, fall asleep, it's as if.. the tables have turned. I don't have trust issues with them anymore.. I have trust issues with myself being around others..
--With the direction most of my dreams content seems to take, especially when I feel as if I'm not in control, and from what I was able to gather from my sources, I finally discovered what I had become. I'm.. a demon. The internet couldn't say I had a cold, or the flu, no, I've actually become a demon. I don't even age anymore. Riese is looking less like my twin in apperance, and just.. an older version of myself. I've even turned to meeting others in my dreams, and giving them my cellphone number. Some never call, others do, and try to give me a chance, but I can't seem to accept them anymore. I've even told them of how I dream, what happens, and yet I cannot stand them for long. Even those that I found attractive suddenly aren't appealing. Comments that would make me blush, they don't have any effect. Movies, books, anything with romance, it's only interesting for the story anymore. Besides, they take more of a liking to my sister.. I.. I want to be like her so much, and it's so much easier when I resemble her in my dream, as if taking on her personality. No wonder they favor her more.. I'm so shy and reclusive that it doesn't make any sense for me to even try looking for company anymore.. I don't have most of my family, and I cannot gain friends..
--Reading back over this diary, I have slowly decended further into lonliness, the exact thing I was trying to prevent. I realize my mistakes, and that yes, it was easier before to meet others. I no longer have much to report on movies, music, any of the sort, for I spend most of my time in my dream world, trying my hardest to sleep. What good is a book to read, if the author no longer has inspiration for it? This may be my last diary entry, and where I have used it as more of research notes, I still do appreciate the gift, but I would rather save it to write about happier occurances. If they come to me, I promise I will write them, and make this diary have the happy ending it deserves, because I deserve a happy ending too.